You know what is weird? Passionately and crazily, I used to believe all my life that there is nothing worse than seeing your dreams fade away, letting go of your hopes and “high expectations”. Without dreams, we are nothing: even if it’s just a small, seemingly insignificant station within your own complex lifesphere.

Recently, I often catch myself standing right at the corner of my dreams… being paralyzed, drown, unable to move. It often feels like something deep inside puts a halt on me, and I just CANNOT – without any further explanation – do what I know I should do.

As if having a dream come true would take away the mere ability to keep living in your daydreams… as if realizing a previously important idea or plan would kill the holy hours of waiting-hoping… staying at the edge of the unknown, being undefined and deprived. Yes, deprived: a dream realized is a dream deprived.

Strange? Never thought of this consciously – until recently. And guess what: I found quite a few people doing this. “They could have it all” – and then they suddenly step back and give up, and don’t even realize it. Later they tend to merge this with other causes and effects, and blame it on something or someone else.

It’s like being shy and unable to communicate with certain strangers in certain circumstances. Until you stop for a while in the middle of doing something trivial, and a surge of eternity touches you: but we are ALL so much the same! What the fuck should we be afraid of us, when most of our drives and motivations are pretty much the same…??? And nothing changes that, no age, no fame, no social status or orientation.

Please God, give me strength to realize all my worthy ideas, plans and dreams, and not be afraid.

Afraid of what? Probably there is nothing to be afraid of. These things only exist in our mind. Or not even there, if we shake head and refuse to let those demons it.

They say that you have to do three things to pass this world happily when you have to leave:

- plant a tree;
- have a child;
- write a book.

I don’t know if it’s all the above or just one thing you choose from the list, but I’m happy to say that I have completed two of these missions so far. I definitely hope that one day I will get the chance to plant a bigger tree (and watch it grow) or write a more delicate book (and reach out to a lot of people with it), but that’s something for a start, too. And, on top of that, if I won’t die alone and have vulptures finding my corpse I even have a slight chance to start a family (each child is perfection itself, troubles start later when they grow up, but with the “new, improved Eszter-genes” this problem is out of question, as Wolfgang put it a few weeks ago).

Anyway, Szonja’s blog inspired me to make a Bucket List as well – things I want to do before I kick the bucket. Realistic things I mean – well, at least most of them…  Here is the public version of the list:

- be in an affectionate love relationship (marriage, if we really have to get married – see how openminded I am getting as I’m growing old??) with a guy that owns a caravan and is a gifted voyager. :) Okay, it does not have to be his, we can borrow it or something, main thing is that he should be willing to do a big trip with me (and possibly with our children). Just imagine how fucking cool that would be! Travelling all over the world, seeing cool places, sleeping in the caravan or in a tent at night and doing awesome campfires in the evening and all!!! Of course he would know how to do these things and would be very courageous and savvy (and able to cook for us, I would do the dishes)

- sleeping on the seashore with my loved one (if any, ever, lol) in the sand, in each others’ arms naturally (where else), and then when we wake up we would both scribble something very clever – because obviously he would be a bloody talented Nobel-Prize winning writer and by then, of course, I would also learn to write in some mysterious way

- meet all my old (and not so old) friends within the compass of an incredible event, and of course (guess what) I would look pretty and my hair would be either glamourously straight or capriciously curly and not like it is all the time atm (sort of in between)

- I know that victory-not-vengeance and stuff, but I would definitely love to meet all the people who keep thinking I’m not worth a penny or am simply mediocre (though most people simply think I’m dead weird) … and I’d love to see them after I had proved I have secret gifts and an inquisitive mind. I would smile and be very kind and friendly with them.

- put 250.000 HUF on my dad’s account every month (because my net. would be over 500.000) and forbid him to work, and send him and Anci to a wellness center every month.

It’s okay if I die afterwards then.

1. Are you talented?
Honestly? Yes – to some extent at least, but I often have doubts about it and what it’s enough for. No way I want to be mediocre. Discipline, self-confidence and will-power – that’s what I need, and to get rid of fears. Everything else comes from the outside, thus can only lead to temporary results.

2. Do you like to be the centre of attention?
Yes, but it is not the thing that defines my decisions and attitude in general.

3. Would you prefer to be rich or famous?
Well, the reason why I want to do certain things in life is not because I want to achieve fame or money in the first place, but simply because I instinctly know somewhere deep inside that I was born to do those things. Therefore the only way to reach a peace of mind is to get over obstacles and *do* what I have to do. These things are not necessarily profession-related, but if they are, and money and fame is included, I won’t protest.

4. Family or carreer?
Both, but family should come first. However, I don’t think anybody can function well in a relationship-family setting if their individual dreams and goals are not being realized. Everything has its place and time in life, better to focus on what you need to do next, or else you destroy the other important aspect of your life.

5. Are you afraid of yourself?
Sometimes.

6. What’s something you always need to motivate yourself?
Inspiration and positive feedback. Being useful, producing value.

7. How would you describe your work attitude/qualities?
I’m kind of a perfectionist, cannot sleep if work is not done, I need flexible working hours, I can cope well with pressure, I like to work all alone but can function in a group too, and I always postpone everything so deadlines are my best friends and worst enemies at the same time :D… I know I still have a LOOOOT to learn and try and do, and it sometimes frustrates me, but I’m a lifetime-learner, nevertheless. ps.: Work in my interpretation is not the 9 to 17 kinda ratrace, that’s not quite my cup of tea. :D

8. What are you the worst at?
Self-managment, taking the first step, being pushy and insisting on what I want. Ah, and IF I’m not interested, then I really don’t give a damn…

9. Do you have anything in stock you still want to achieve?
Oh sure, I’m not even quarter way on the journey… I have lived up to like 2% of my abilities and needs :P.

10. What’s something you are satisfied with, when it comes to work?
Hmm, nothing, ever :D. Well, okay, there are smaller projects I’m done with and say “okay, this was good now”, but then I realize how much I still have to learn, grow, develop and do, do, do… and then I feel small.

+1. Are you optimistic about the future?
It’s strange, but somehow I am. Dunno why, but I really am – even in the worst phases when it really seems hopeless.

Merry Christmas!

You know what would be a truly gorgeous thing to do right now? To translate a book. A true literary work. I often do that just for the heck of it, but that’s not, of course, the same; you cannot just get down to business until you know it’s a concrete, real job and a challenge of its own right. It would surely give great pleasure and satisfaction. Well, maybe one day, hopefully before I grow old and grey…

And I had one of the most haunting discussions with Eszter yesterday. My several-serious-award-winner graphic-art wizzard friend… and no, she is far more talented than any of us, I often feel, although of course it cannot be calculated and measured the way you can draw lines or highlight boxes in Excel. Still, I’m pretty sure and so are experts that know far more about fine arts than I  ever will… that basically an artist of her calibre is not born too many times in a century. And that’s a pretty strong statement. And what a heavy, harrowing burden her talent and sensitivity is! And what a world we are living in, in which art has no value and she has to be – literally – hungry and without acknowledgement!    

Many times I feel so proud when I think of my friends. Beautiful, strong, shining little promises, powerful and talented, all born to make this world a better place (what a lousy born idealist I tend to be, I swear I’m all sober!). Seriously: I’m honoured to be surrounded by such gifted people. Yes, talent is not an achievment but a gift, but it has the potential strength to shape the world – one way or the other.

A photo of a Barcsay-award winning litography, all hand-made. 

(I have to make this a “friends only entry” as Eszter may not like the idea of her work being promoted this way, ehm, a photo is a shitty copy of the actual work of course)

When I was in kindergarten, I used to hate compulsory afternoon naps. I didn’t know why, but I simply couldn’t sleep in the afternoon… I was only sleepy in the morning and then the later it got, the better I felt… which means that I usually had my most active period in the afternoon and in the evening. Afternoon sleep, therefore, was an absolutely unnecessary torture for me, especially that I often got punished because of my inability to sleep. I remember I used to envy schoolkids as they are not forced to go to bed in the afternoon.

Then I turned seven and went to school, homework became my new enemy. I didn’t see why you spend hours at school and still have to do homework when you finally come home. I remember once I wanted to move to Czechoslovakia because somebody’d told me that kids don’t have to do homework there. I envied adults because they just go to work and that’s it, no “homework” to worry about. Let alone random surprise tests and oral exams.    

Later on, there was a time when I used to think that I want to study forever because studying is so much more comfortable than working. It’s for free, you get social aids and scholarships and various discounts, plus you can have a day (or a week) off any time. You make up your own schedule and decide who you want as a teacher, plus you can learn interesting stuff. University is comfortable, definitely much more comfortable than kindergarten or any primary or secondary school. Okay, the exam period is a bit tricky, but you can put up with it two times a year. What do you want to be when you grow up? A university student, what else? At least for a few more years, as long as it’s technically possible. :)

Well, what can I say, six years is a long time so I got bored of it as well. Now that I’m done with uni (at least with the courses, not the thesis and the final exam), I would say that there is no way I would start another major, ever. I don’t quite miss the mess of taking courses, preregistering for seminars, standing in the queue for hours to get administrational things done, having to worry about mistakes the system would run into… and exams, homepapers and academic essays can be annoying like hell, too. It was awesome but there are even better things out there. :)

We are living in an era when life-long studying is a keyterm to success. You always have to keep your knowledge up-to-date if you want to be successful in your field of interest which can be challenging and amusing at the same time… but it definitely takes a lot. A few month-long course is nothing compared to uni, but now you have other things to focus on (like work and family).

Now that I’m just about to start this wonderful new course on Saturday, I decided to make a list of what other things I would like to learn some time in the future:

- webdesign, webbuilding -> would be awesome if I could learn at least basic Javascript, HTML but also Photoshop, Corell Draw and other useful things I’m just messing around with for fun. It really is needed and I would definitely be obsessed with it;

- everything a system admin needs to know. In depth. -> I’m the only user of my own pc and nobody in the close neighbourhood knows more about computers than I do (and believe me, not because I’m such an expert, lol), therefore I’m always in a trouble if something gets fucked up. I even hate bringing the pc to an expert as it takes ages to put things back the way they’d been laid on my table. I hate this, I feel like a total asshole whenever I need to ask silly questions in public…

- maybe… but only maybe a driving license one day -> it’s not really needed, but would be useful. The problem is that nobody in the family drives or owns a car, therefore it would only make sense to get the license if I can as well buy my own car. Haha, the truth on the other hand is that even the driving license is so fucking expensive that I would never get the money for it, so getting a car is even more impossible. But, wouldn’t it be nice?

- I could, or perhaps should learn to focus my energies on constructive things, I need to learn some sort of mediatation technic… I can’t even concentrate on mindcontroll technics because I either fall asleep or get bored after two minutes.

So, these are some of the things I would still like to do when it comes to learning. :) No clue when exactly, but some time in the future, yes… 

There are a number of actual places that appear to have an entirely different mental representation in my mind, thus in my dreams.

I’ve been living in Gyöngyös all my life, yet Gyöngyös looks totally different in my dreams. I know then and there where exactly I am and then it feels completely natural… however, when I wake up I realize that those places simply do not exist. Still, they always come back… the houses, the park, the trees, everything. And there are certain feelings I can associate with the sight of those places – places that simply do not exist.

This night, I’ve been to Ljubljana. I was running down the streets and passed “the church”, sat on a bench in front of a school and I knew I was in Ljubljana. Then I woke up and thought how weird it is, to dream about being in Ljubljana… and I was already in the bathroom when it finally dawned on me that fuck, Ljubljana doesn’t even look like this! Apparently, I’ve never been to the place I saw in my dreams.